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How I Lost All My F-cks

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There’s a part of me that’s comforted by having to stay home again, back in isolation like illness had me for so very very long. During that time and the period leading up to it, socializing became increasingly stressful; as my health plummeted and seeing others decreased with frequency. . Symptoms also morphed my personality, making connecting in-person more difficult. Stigma around chronic illness and medical cannabis didn’t help. Frequent physical and emotional public breakdowns, followed by weeks-long symptom flares, led to terrifying triggering. It can be so intensely overwhelming, and almost always misunderstood when witnessed. . Once voted as one of the most friendly in my class, transforming into someone who no longer enjoys meeting people was disorienting; but I eventually got used to it, to being satisfied with my own company. When I moved here to Long Beach and had the option to start trying to meet people again, I actually thought of socializing as “immersion therapy,” haha — it fucking stresses me out, man. . It was getting increasingly more enjoyable, but it’s kinda nice to not be pushing myself in that way. I’d go back to before Corona in a hot fucking second, don’t get me wrong, but I’m trying to focus on the good. (Beats wondering how many months until my next hug 🤷‍♀️) Stay healthy, stay home. Sooooo many long distance hugs 😘 . 📸: The cards demanded I leave, so I (carefully) got some takeout and satiated a bacon craving, mmm. (And the Birds of Paradise are still partying, so we’ve got that going for us.) Also had juju to paint after work the other day, felt grrrreat. . . . . #quarantine #quarantinelife #spoonie #spoonielife #spoonieproblems #cptsd #isolation #solitude #covid_19 #coronavirus

The moon juju woke me up at 4am, so I’m spending this delirious day working on soul work, yayyyyy! My last post featured a couple pics from the online spiritual community I’m creating for Long Beach; I’ve now wrapped my head around how the platform works and even got a few posts up. . There’s a ways to go until I start inviting folks, but I’m really excited to be moving from visioning to building — what better time to create an online community, eh? The vision started just as a way to meet people here and connect, a worthy time-commitment alone; but this app is all set up for courses and events, so we’ll see where it takes me. . Summing up the things I’ve learned over the decades into topics, and now expanding on them with articles, is a nice affirmation of how much I’ve learned. There’s been a lot of struggling in my journey, and sometimes it feels like I’ve been just trying not to drown for years — it’s nice to be reminded that it was much more than that. . Here’s a few spirit memes to celebrate! Happy new moon yesterday 🌚😘 . . . . #spiritualaf #spiritual #spiritualawakening #spirituality #witchyvibes #witchy #pagan #pagansofinstagram #woo #woowoo #lightworker #lightworkers

In October of 2015 is really when this quarantine started for me, the month I was no longer able to make it up the long hill to the bus stop. I lived in a small Portland studio alone, about a 20-minute drive from the closest friend (whom I didn’t have many of, as I was pretty new to the city when illness axed my social life). . I’m very much an ambivert, while I get real bitchy if unable to recharge alone — I used to get wild feelings of stir-craziness without being able to process my thoughts and experiences verbally. After a few months of only seeing doctors and grocery store strangers, I also got lonely to the point of not feeling like myself...which was a whole realization of its own. Why didn’t I feel like myself without others to react to?? . I took up talking to myself for the verbal processing (tips to *stop* doing it out of isolation appreciated 🤣) and started basically blogging here to that end as well. And that seeming need to bounce off of others? It got stared at. For a very very long time. . For me, the urge to consistently focus on others seemed to be rooted in a desire to avoid whatever might instead rise within me — often unprocessed trauma and the host of feelings it comes with. (Like, please, Becky, tell me about your boy drama, Becky? Where you at?!? Aggghhhh my own drama!!) . But we can only melt that drama with the staring; friends, the way out, is through. Let the ick rough you up a bit and you’ll find that it’s not even that bad. Yes, there will be some tears, but even while you’re still crying the cry of confronting your shit; you’ll be simultaneously filled with empowering clarity, with lightness as you cleanse all that ick that was secretly driving your reactions the whole time. . The juice is worth the squeeze and there’s no time like the present. Will this be the quarantine where you gained 20 pounds emotionally eating? Or will it be the time that everything finally started to change? You got this. ❤️ . . . . #quarantine #quarantineandchill #quarantinelife #quarantined #isolation #solitude #growthmindset #personaldevelopment #ownyourshit

I wrote about stoney-yet-productive things to do in quarantine for @Leafly! We might be stuck home, but there's no need to stream ourselves into zombie-brain-mush. From picking up a tarot habit, to getting creative, and picking up qigong — I rounded up some fun stuff to do at home whilst high, that will also help us to suck less. (Also works without cannabis!)⁠⠀ ⁠⠀ To read it, clicking on 'Writing Around the Web' in my bio links.⁠⠀ ⁠⠀ I hope everyone's having a beautiful Saturday 😘⁠⠀ ⁠⠀ 📸: I'd have recommended wayyyy more witchy things, like cooking up a spell, but I thought I'd better include a variety... ⁠⠀ ⁠⠀ ⁠⠀ ⁠⠀ #quarantinelife #quarantine #cannabiscommunity #goodhabits #getitgetit #yougotthis #selfcare #selflove

I had a haunting moment today, I passed a coffee shop that I used to work in during the hardest part of my life. I was shaken with a memory, usually a not-fun thing, re: then, but this one was. It was about two years ago exactly, I’d been in LBC for close to five months; but was seriously ill, unable to earn, and living in my car (a ‘93 Camry named Impetus, Tussy for short). . I’d just found out I was going to start working at a dispensary, which seemed like a complete miracle as I could only work a few hours and could barely keep a sentence in my head. It was insanely hard. I pushed myself to the max, often crying as I medicated (#cannabis) in the bathroom, begging my body to hold out for one more hour of pay. . But after moving my trying-not-to-cry to a coffee shop, where a meltdown couldn’t potentially result in job loss, I’d often feel weirdly grateful and present as I waited for my car to not be a sauna so I could finally lie down. . When life is completely upside down, and we’re pushed in ways we’re unaccustomed to — it can lead to an awareness of the little treasures, ones that often fly under the radar in better times. . In that coffee shop; it was bits of good news, a cup of decaf, a great song coming on, and unexpectedly connected moments with strangers. I clung to them with dear life, often taking a picture for this account. I’d finally lie down in ol’ Tussy, hiding from passerby, trying to meditate the bodily agony away; using gratitude of those moments to keep me centered. . How come trying times of relative comfort can seem more challenging? Why can a decade old memory (H1N1/beginning of fibro eating my life) manage to butt it’s head into my peaceful cozy home and fuck with my vibe? I am safe. I am as healthy as I’ve been in years. I’m more secure than I’ve been in years. Things are shaky, but I’m really fine. . It’s scary to have somethings to lose, but I need to keep those coffee shop moments in mind when the what ifs start to eat my brain — presently pamplemousse la croix, Solfeggio frequencies, and how poking buttons on a phone can help me understand my feels. Sending loving healthy connected juju, and mindful moments — even in chaos. ❤️

Still trooping along with normal #spoonie health levels here, how are you and yours?? I’m really happy I picked this month to get into immunity-boosting breath work, it’s helping me focus on the mind over matter mindset — those lil’ germy fuckers aren’t gonna get me! . It’s also reassuring to hold my breath in and out for all that time, confirming my lungs are still feeling strong and healthy. The exercises are also de-stressing and centering, fine Coronapacolypse fun. 👍👍 . If you’d like to try, I recommend @iceman_hof videos or googling for simple exercises; I also started one that’s supposed to be great for sleep called the 4-7-8, it takes awhile to know if my sleep’s improved but I can definitely tell you it’s relaxing AF. . I hope you’re staying healthy and happy and that social isolation is having its benefits, even if it’s among chaos. You got this, we got this 😘 . 📸: My WTF betwixt-brow wrinkle is irritated, but my hairs are cute. Beautiful beach and a heavy beach read. Grocery store fail led to a tasty plant-based-gluten-free discovery (wish me luck tomorrow!). * Not pictured, happy work moments; plus, a wonderfulll experience with a superb human, so grateful for connection despite chaos. ❤️ . . . . #coronavirus #stayhealthy #immunesupport #immunityboost #socialdistancing #yougotthis #health #wellness #breathwork

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