Before shit hit the fan on Monday, I was having a grand old time. @anandamide.us is closing, boooo, so I decided to celebrate an ass-kicking week and go see them. They have special Monday hours, so I was forced to settle for what might be the most delicious happy hour purchase ever...that it turned out I couldn’t make.
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My blissful afternoon took a 180 when I discovered that my bank account was e-m-p-t-y, despite the essay deposits I was celebrating. I started having a panic attack, left all my cash ($4 short, I’ll call tomorrow @ilovelolas 😳), and got to my car as my hands were going numb. It was almost 5 so I started home to avoid being stuck in traffic + looking for parking whilst having a panic attack.
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A strange thumping sound started in my Tussy car as we approached the bridge, an incline she always struggled with. As we approached its peak, she came to a stop. I desperately tried to get her going again as semi-trucks approached my rearview mirror with a quickness; trying to ignore the fact the I felt like I was drowning, gasping for each breath. She finally started up and we rolled down the bridge and into my neighborhood, where she died her last death.
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I was a half mile from home, and my body just wasn’t having the walk (#fibromyalgia). I went to the very dark place as I cried and tried to hitchhike rides from my neighbors, knees bowing at each step. A truck almost hit me coming out of an alley and I convinced them to give me a ride. I must have looked like a maniac, but they were really great; noting, “Fibromyalgia’s no fucking joke.”
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Turns out something is wrong with my 2006 California taxes, all 7 weeks of them. They returned my money and I have two months to get sorted, phew. But my Tussy car is dead. I feel like I lost a friend. It’s silly but we went through a whole lot together. (She was my home for 7 months last year. It all keeps coming back to me tonight, it was so hard.)
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I’m trying to focus on processing and releasing the old, painful as it may be — and bringing in the new on this full moon evening. Honoring the heartache of loss and struggle, but not fear of the future. (Which surely involves less leftovers and more happy hours.) 😘
My beloved Tussy car is dead. With my health (#fuckfibro) just getting out of the house a few times a month was already really challenging, and almost always as an add-on to groceries. Now I can’t even do that.
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I can’t live like this for much longer. Because this isn’t fucking living. I’ve been telling myself I just have to get through the next month for four damn years. I’m so tired of just working through the pain and resting. Every time I get close to building a new kind of life — WHAMMY 💥.
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I‘m so beyond exhausted. Getting by was already so by-the-skin-of-my-teeth, I don’t know how the fuck I’m going to do this. Everything’s a half hour drive from here, this random place I moved to be near a job that ended three weeks later. What the fucking fuck, life?
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I work out twice a day, meditate daily, I do grounding work, I visualize, all I eat is fucking veggies and “good” fat, I take epsom salt baths, I make myself work until I absolutely have to lay down...and it’s all just not enough. But I don’t have anything else. I am spent. Please send juju.
My goodness. I had the absolute 30 minutes from hell today. In a speedy chain of events, things went from finally looking up in life to rather dire. My head is spinning. I don’t want to rehash it all, but I was already sobbing when my car broke down at 5pm on the freakin’ LA harbor bridge, gah!
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Luckily it was at the top, and I was eventually able to roll down to a half mile from home before it really kaput, but what the what, man. I was having such a great day. I’m hoping it works out, the not-car part could be #mercuryretrograde error shenanigans (🙏) but I was seriously triggered and having to walk/hitchhike home (#fibromyalgia) didn’t help matters —
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📸: — because I already had this little problem over the weekend. Walking inclines are still a big problem for me, and the elevator for this parking garage was nowhere to be found. This was the fucking handrail. 🐦💩 (As my sister once pointed out, there really should be an angry poo emoji...)
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Please send juju. Lots of juju.
Went to another cannabis event today! It highlighted successful women in the California cannabis industry and was very inspiring. I’m so excited to see where the industry heads over the next decade, we’re already leaps and bounds from the stoner bro culture of yore. The future is thoughtful, promotes wellness, is aesthetically stunning, and full of science-y goodness.
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Thank you @bloomfarms, @getsava, @originalsespe, @grdnsociety/apologies for the photo crop, and @eaze! 💚 (And @broccoli_mag for the gorgeous magazine, so sad you weren’t there!)
